


One Branch, Then to Another

by child_of_the_fandoms



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Coming Out, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, Trans Jared Kleinman, also, and is written as such, but he does grow i promise, connor is not a perfect angel, he is an extremely mentally ill character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 15:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14167476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/child_of_the_fandoms/pseuds/child_of_the_fandoms
Summary: One word changed. Attempted, not committed. Dear Evan Hansen, rewritten.





	1. The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Wow? Me, writing another fic I will inevitably forget about or abandon? To be fair, I write for me, not you guys. Also, I might return to that Hamilton fic that got some traction awhile back, so keep your eye out for that.

_ Tap. Tap. Tap. _

 

Evan focused intently on tapping his pencil against the desk in front of him, as he couldn’t bring himself to even try to understand the calculus on the board. Not understanding caused anxiety, and anxiety caused panic attacks, and panic attacks really, really sucked. He felt his hands grow clammy and his pencil taps sped up.  _ Shit, now I’m thinking about anxiety. I’m not supposed to do that, that just makes it worse. I should stop. But I can’t stop. Crap, why can’t I stop?! _

 

Just as Evan was thinking himself into a panic attack, the crackle of the loudspeaker interrupted his thoughts. His gratitude for the distraction was brief.

 

“I need Evan Hansen to the principal’s office. I repeat, Evan Hansen to the principal’s office,” the distorted voice of some administrator said monotonously. Suddenly, all eyes were on him and whispers floated across the classroom. He heard a faint “Oooh, what’d he do?” from somewhere behind him. Slowly, Evan rose from his seat and left the class with his head down and hands shaking. 

 

God, it was only his second day of senior year and he’d already been pushed, laughed at, had his dumb letter to himself stolen, and his friends consisted of one family friend and one “pretend friend,” whatever that meant. And now, with one period to go, he was being called to the principal’s office. What could he possibly have done? He racked his brain but found nothing.  _ Maybe I’m not in trouble. Maybe it’s okay, maybe I just … just … shit. It’s okay Evan, everything is probably fine. Calm down, stop shaking, everything is fi– _

 

Evan stood in the doorway of the principal’s office, where he was greeted by a sniffling, distraught couple sitting on an old couch. They looked vaguely familiar, but he didn’t know them, so he quickly ducked out of the room, mumbling apologies. 

 

“Wait!” called a woman’s voice.

 

“I– yes?” He returned to the doorway.  

 

“Are you Evan Hansen?”

 

“Um, yes?”

 

“You might want to sit down, sweetie,” the woman said with a tearful smile. 

 

He did so, and she held a piece of paper out to him. The man sat stoically, keeping his eyes on the ground. 

 

“Last night– last night Connor,” she paused, fighting sobs. “Last night my boy Connor tried to take his own life.” 

 

_ Holy shit. _ That was the only thought running through Evan’s mind for a moment until he began to calm down a little and grasp his own thoughts better.  _ Wait a minute, Connor? Like the guy who shoved me, stole my letter, and signed my cast? And what would his family possibly want with me? Didn’t Zoe say Connor was her brother?   _ Evan then noticed the paper still being held towards him. He took the sheet and carefully unfolded it. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen… _

 

He quickly refolded the paper and looked at the woman in shock. 

 

“That was with him when he… when they found him,” she said slowly, “We didn’t know he had any friends. It means a lot. Knowing he wasn’t completely alone.”

 

The woman began to sob and the man, who he assumed was her husband, rubbed her back. Evan tried to speak up, but she only cried more, and his anxiety was spiking, and he couldn’t bring himself to tell this poor woman that he wasn’t really her son’s friend; that her broken child had been alone in life. Might still be alone in life.  

 

“Oh look at that, he signed your cast,” she said through more tears, looking at the large “CONNOR” scribbled across his otherwise empty cast.

 

“Oh, well, yes, but that was only because–”

 

She interrupted him again, “Would you like to visit him? In the hospital? They said only family could visit in the psychiatric ward but I’m sure they could make an exception for such a good friend.”

 

Evan didn’t know what to say. Why did she even think they were such good friends? All they had was a letter and a signed cast.  _ Oh, fuck.  _ He looked at the letter again.

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Your most best and dearest friend, _

_ me _

 

That didn’t look good. How would he get himself out of this? How could he possibly explain to these parents that their son, who just attempted suicide, had nobody while they had gone about their days without noticing? Maybe he could do something good. Maybe he could help these parents feel a little better. And, well, they were also Zoe’s parents. Who knows, maybe she would finally  _ see _ him. Maybe he could become something other than a ghost.

 

“Okay. Sure. Well, I mean, you- you really don’t have to do this, if they only want family visiting or something…”

 

Too late. The woman was already hugging him. The hug made him incredibly uncomfortable, but he made an attempt at returning it with a gentle pat to her back. 

 

“Oh, I almost forgot to introduce myself,” she said, pulling out of the hug,    
“I’m Cynthia, and this is my husband Larry.”

 

“Hey,” said Larry with a slight wave. 

 

“You, uh, you should probably head back to class. But we can meet you after school and take you to the hospital, after I call and see if it’s okay. Thank you so much, Evan,” Cynthia said. Her voice was more stable now. 

 

“Really, it’s okay–” 

 

“Thank you,” she said once more, a single tear rolling down her cheek. 

 

If he had any hope of paying attention to calculus before, that was out the window now. Every second crawled by and each minute felt like an hour. He restlessly tapped his pencil and bounced his leg, nervously awaiting the last bell. Finally, the ring pierced the drone of the math lecture and students rushed out the door. Evan lingered for a moment, contemplating the situation he’d gotten himself into, then followed the crowd. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope u liked it lol. yes I know this chapter was very similar to just the show but I promise from the next chapter on it is way different.


	2. The Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan visits Connor in the hospital. Connor, the boy with the oddly colored eyes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TW PSYCH WARD, MENTION OF SUICIDE ATTEMPT***

The car ride to the hospital was long and awkward. Zoe and Connor’s parents kept trying to make small talk, a subject that Evan was historically terrible at. To make matters worse, Zoe was next to him in the back seat, keeping him in what seemed to be a permanent blush. However, she didn’t seem too happy to be in the car or next to him. 

 

“Hey, how did you say you know Connor?” Zoe asked in her extremely cute voice, breaking the silence. 

 

“We, uh, we’re friends,” he replied, trying to avoid saying anything that could be immediately proven false.

 

“Connor doesn’t have friends. And I never see you guys hanging out. Hey, didn’t he push you yesterday?” she questioned with suspicion. 

 

“Oh that? That was uh, that was just ‘cause he doesn’t really like us to hang out at school.” A weak explanation, but it the only one he could think of. And Zoe made thinking difficult.

 

She squinted. “No, he shoved you. Hard. I watched the whole thing.” 

 

_ Yeah, and you actually talked to me afterward, but I was too awkward and ruined it.  _

 

The best reply he could could come up with was, “Oh, you uh, you must have misinterpreted or something.”

 

With that, he turned his gaze towards the window, avoiding Zoe’s. Suddenly, he realized the full depth of the shit he’d gotten himself into. Keeping this lie up with the parents and Zoe was one thing, but he would have to actually talk to Connor-freaking-Murphy. The guy who shoved him for no reason and stole his personal letter, then tried to kill himself. In what world would he have any reason to protect Evan? Hopefully, Connor would find this all very funny, but he could very well beat him up instead. The kid was unstable. Desperate to talk to someone about this, Evan pulled his phone out of his pocket with shaky hands and messaged the closest thing to a friend he had, Jared Kleinman.

 

**_Evan:_ ** _ Dude. Ur not going to believe the shit I’m in _

**_Jared:_ ** _ U r aware that this whole “family friend” thing does not entail anything other than brief hallway conversations, correct? _

**_Evan:_ ** _ believe me, u want 2 hear this _

 

Evan quickly explained the situation to Jared. He, for one, found it hilarious. Not the attempted suicide part, the Evan-pretending-he-was-friends-with-Connor part. 

 

**_Jared:_** _hahahahahaha the freak is gonna beat you up lmaooo_

**_Evan:_ ** _ don’t call him a freak _

**_Jared:_ ** _ whatever. Just make sure the parents don’t find out u lied to them _

**_Evan:_ ** _ uh, how exactly? _

**_Jared:_ ** _ pfft. Lying to parents is easy. Just don’t directly contradict them and don’t make shit up. Simple, really. 90% of what I tell my parents isn’t true. Ur real problem is gonna b the crackhead. and he’ll probably rat you out anyway. Ur totally screwed.  _

**_Evan:_ ** _ thanks for the support. _

**_Evan:_ ** _ shit. We’re here.  
_ _ Read 3:32 PM _

 

Something about Jared calling Connor a freak and a crackhead deeply bothered Evan, but he wasn’t sure why. But he didn’t have time to expand on that thought, as the car was pulling into a parking space in front of a large hospital. A hospital that he recognized.  _ Wait. Shit. My damn mother works here.  _ And his mom didn’t know about this little visit. She never got home until at least nine or ten, so he figured there was no real reason to bother her. Plus, there would be less drama and difficult conversations if she was in the dark. For some reason, the thought that his mom works at a hospital never crossed his mind. 

 

As the group silently crossed the parking lot, Evan formulated a plan to avoid his mom noticing him.  _ Okay. With any luck, she’ll be in the ER the whole time and never see me. But if she does, I’ll just say…  _ He racked his brain for a moment.  _ I’ll say my wrist hurts! No, that wouldn’t explain why I’m with Zoe. Uh, uh, what if… Ooh! I could say that Zoe got sick at school, and I’m going with her to the hospital ‘cause we’re friends now. Ugh. Not perfect… but it’ll have to work.  _

 

Suddenly, they were inside and at the nurse’s station, but Evan was too caught up in his thoughts to notice. He stopped walking a second too late and bumped directly into Zoe. His face turned bright red and apologies reflexively poured out of his mouth. 

 

She cut into his guilty mumblings, “Evan, calm down. You’re fine.”  

 

“Right, yeah, sorry.”

 

“Stop apologizing.”

 

“Sorry. Wait, no–” Evan sighed in defeat. “Sorry.”

 

Zoe groaned and followed a nurse beckoning them into a hallway. Evan quietly scolded himself, trailing behind his crush and keeping a keen eye out for his mother. Anxiety began to well up in his throat, but he did his best to shove it aside for now. He figured the less anxious and panicky he seemed, the less likely he was to get beaten up. 

 

They reached the psychiatric ward without further incident. The nurse stopped them before the doors.

 

“Alright, I understand that we’ve got–” she paused to glance at her clipboard, “Connor Murphy’s parents, sister, and close friend?” 

 

“That’s right,” Cynthia said with a slight smile. Larry remained silent. Evan didn’t think he’d heard him say a word since their brief interaction in the principal’s office. 

 

“Okay. If any of you have phones or sharp objects on you, leave them in this basket, you can retrieve them after” said the nurse, holding out a container with a collection of phones and a few pocket knives. 

 

The group dropped their phones into the basket and continued on. They were led to a small room with a bed. It looked shockingly unlike a typical hospital room. The walls were beige rather than stark white, and the bed had patterned sheets. Still, there were some identifying marks, such as the lack of sharp corners on the bed, its nightstand, or the chair that sat in the corner. Then there was Connor. He sat on the bed, turned away from the door, only his gray jacket and long hair visible to them. He seemed to be drawing in a notebook.

 

“Connor, you have some visitors. Your parents, your sister, and a friend. Are you up for it?” the nurse asked in a gentle tone. 

 

He didn’t seem to be paying attention. “Whatever,” was his only response.

 

“He seems a bit tired, so let’s keep it to one person in the room at a time,” the nurse said before leaving to move on to another room. Zoe immediately left the room, probably hoping to avoid visiting her brother at all. 

 

_ Thank God.  _ He had at least had a chance of surviving this if Connor didn’t get the chance to declare who Evan really was in front of everybody.  

 

“Why the hell are you here?” 

 

Evan glanced around. Cynthia and Larry had left. He was now alone with a person Zoe described as a “psychopath.” It probably wasn’t true, but still. He turned his attention to Connor, who looked at him with a shocked expression, his notebook closed and tossed aside. Words couldn’t seem to find their way to Evan’s mouth. 

 

“Are you deaf? I said, why the fuck are you here?” Connor asked loudly, his tone growing angrier.   
  


Evan stuttered nonsensically for a moment before speaking. “Oh, well, you see, big mix up really. You- you know that letter you took from me? Well, uh, with that, plus the uh, the cast you signed,” he said, holding up his cast, “your parents seem to think that we’re um. Friends? So when you… when this happened, they told me about it and offered to take me to visit you, and I didn’t really have the heart to tell them the truth, so… now I’m here. And, it would be really great if– if you could just pretend you don’t hate me in front of your parents, ‘cause they’d get really mad and Zoe would probably hate me if they found out.” 

 

Connor stared at him in disbelief. 

 

_ Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Jared was right. I am so unbelievably, insanely screwed right now.  _ Evan was completely terrified of how Connor might react to this giant misunderstanding. 

 

But Connor did something unexpected. He started laughing. Hard. He was laughing hysterically, to the point that it almost seemed forced. 

 

“Wait a minute,” he said through cackles, “you’re telling me that  _ my  _ parents actually believe I have a  _ friend _ , and they seriously think that I would ever be friends with someone like  _ you _ ? You can’t be fucking serious.” 

 

“No, I am. Serious. And I’m really, really sorry about the situation. I didn’t mean for it to go this far,” Evan replied, his anxious stutter finally fading a bit. Connor’s laughter slowed and he looked at Evan quizzically. Evan couldn’t help but look at Connor. There were bandages on not just his wrists, but his throat as well. The laces had been taken out of his boots. A marker lay next to his notebook rather than a pencil. Then, as Connor continued to stare at him, he noticed his eyes. They were ocean blue, except for the right eye. It was half blue and half brown. 

 

Abruptly, a voice cut through his thoughts. “Anybody in there? Watch’ya looking at, weirdo?” 

 

_ Shit.  _ Evan had been focusing very intently on Connor’s eyes. 

 

“Oh, sorry. Uh, I can leave now. But could you like, maybe pretend we had a nice conversation? I mean, you don’t have to or anything–”

 

“Chill, nerd. I’ll go along with this dumbass charade. Maybe if my parents think I have a friend, they’ll finally start to leave me the fuck alone. And hey, you seem to have the hots for my shithead sister, maybe she’ll finally talk to you for once. But this does not make anything close to actual friends, got it?”

 

Relief and embarrassment simultaneously flooded through Evan. He was extremely thankful that Connor wouldn’t tell his parents the truth, but he was also very confused.  _ How would he know about my crush on Zoe? That comment about not wanting her to hate me? Has he been watching me at school or something?  _

 

He ignored those questions and simply replied, “Right. Got it.”

 

As he turned to leave, Connor continued talking, “And hey, we might not be friends, but you are the first person outside of my family to see how truly fucked up I am. Congrats, loser. Turns out I am a freak after all.”

 

“You’re not a freak,” Evan replied. He didn’t want to risk Connor’s response to that, so he just left the room and let Cynthia have her turn. 

 

After Cynthia, who spent nearly half an hour with him, Larry went in for a brief period, five minutes at most. Zoe neglected to visit her brother at all. Throughout the visits, Evan overheard Connor making up fairly convincing stories of how glad he was to have Evan as a friend. He couldn’t help but smile, because even though it was all fake, it felt nice to have someone other than his mother at least pretend they truly cared about him. Then at last, it came time to leave. Evan was drained. So drained, in fact, that he didn’t notice his mom at the nurse’s desk as they were walking through the lobby. 

 

“Evan?” asked a voice that sounded concerningly similar to his mom’s. He froze.

 

“Evan? What are you doing here?” asked the voice again. He turned toward it, and was greeted by his mom, who was looking at him with concern. 

 

“Oh, uh, Zoe was sick. And I came to the hospital with her. To support her. ‘Cause she’s my… friend.”

 

At this moment, Evan was incredibly grateful that Cynthia and Larry had walked ahead and only Zoe stood next to him. His mom looked at him incredulously and Zoe gave him a look as if to say “what the fuck, Evan?”.

 

“Oh, I didn’t know you and Zoe were friends. And Zoe, dear, what’s happened?” 

 

Evan didn’t give her the chance to speak. “Yeah. We’re friends. Great friends. We started talking yesterday. She just uh… threw up during last period. I walked her to the nurse’s office and her parents offered to take me here with her. Bye mom!” he explained quickly, shuffling Zoe away before his mom could reply. 

 

_ Phew. That was a close call.  _ Man, lying took a lot of effort. But it was easier than the truth. 

 

Cynthia offered to drive Evan home, and he had no other transportation options, so he reluctantly said yes. At some point during the ride, a question came to him.

 

“Mrs. Murphy, how long will Connor be in the hospital for?” he asked out of pure curiosity. 

 

“They said about a week or two. Don’t worry, I’m sure you and Connor can get back to hanging out in no time,” she replied sweetly. 

 

The rest of the trip was silent and uneventful. He assumed Zoe didn’t even want to bother asking what the whole deal with his mom was about. Evan sent a quick text to Jared, updating him on the details, despite his protests to Evan’s communication with him. And, for some reason, he couldn’t push the thought of Connor calling himself a freak out of his mind. Or Connor’s eyes. They really were interesting eyes… 

 

Whatever. He chalked it up to some desperate hope for a friendship that he knew would never happen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I love my gays. I hope you liked this chapter!! Pls comment what you think it motivated me to keep writing. Also yes Evan does still have a crush on Zoe at this point I promise that will change. Also I am providing zero guarantee of anything resembling regular updates but I will try to see this story through.


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